Responsibility

The weight of responsibility has truly been felt over the last 11 weeks. Raising Willow's litter started as a tough rollercoaster. Watching them grow, develop and learn each week has been a blessing. I haven't taken previous puppies for granted but knowing that these puppies fought for survival and I helped them... it is a massive feeling. As they reached milestones, I wanted to say, "We did it! We made it!". I could talk a lot about them and how much of a privilege it has been but for those who have read my weekly social media posts, I won't go on. 

Over a month ago and just when puppies needed me more, Raven and Astra decided to come into season (they were due late July/early August!). Surprisingly, they triggered Alaska's season. She was due to come in season in December. Anyone who has had intact males in the same home as a female in season knows how difficult it can be. The responsibility of preventing unplanned pregnancies, keeping them fully separated yet ensuring they are happy, as well as caring and socialising puppies on top of keeping Eden and Enzo separate to prevent littermate syndrome, still doing everything with my sons and keeping up with household jobs... it was a lot. But I am super proud of my dogs. My studs are incredible. Not only were they quiet, but they accepted the separation, and yes we have done this numerous times before but girls' scents are strong. I honestly wish there were a way that I could tell them how grateful I am for their adaptable, calm temperaments and how much they helped me manage everything. Those 3 weeks were planned carefully and I still did everything as well as the extra socialisation trips with the puppies. I did take the male dogs with us to get them away from the girls' scents which helped to tire them as well as make them happy. 

My anxiety has been at an all time high. Triggered by the fear of losing Willow and then fighting to keep her puppies alive... there are no words that I can find that express how difficult I found it. Willow could have recovered quickly if she wasn't pregnant- it was my fault and my responsibility because I put her in that situation. This lay heavily on my conscience. I briefly imagined whelping services.. but there was no way I could pass those babies' lives onto someone else. If any baby died in the hands of someone else, I would forever wonder what if... I would do everything I could to get them through it and if I struggled then I would seek help from every person who I knew who had the experience to help. I have found things difficult this time round and because I decided to have my incredible pack and breed- this is my responsibility. I do not feel like I can moan about it because I chose this life. If at any point I felt like I needed help then I would have placed suitable dogs into daycare and others with a dog walking service. I had spoken to someone who owned a dog training and dog walking service a few months ago and I felt comfortable with her and I trusted her as I felt she was relatable. She was lovely to talk with and I genuinely felt I could trust her with my dogs. I would ask for her help if I struggled to meet all of my dogs' needs. 

If I lost any puppies, then I do not think I could have carried on breeding. My heart would have been broken and I would have blamed myself. If I lost Willow.. all dogs would have been spayed and castrated. I never want to experience it again. I can promise that I would everything possible to do the best by my dogs and then any puppies.

3 puppies in this litter have gone to people who have supported me during Willow's illness and then during the most difficult week of my life. When they told me they wanted the puppies and I knew they were a good match- I cried with relief. My amazing puppies have the best futures ahead with people who supported me and checked in often to make sure everyone was going well. I know these babies will be treasured.

Some good news!

Astra is pregnant!!!  Sadly, my anxiety is still there, my brain is going around in loops of worry, but I am fighting those thoughts. Astra has been there for every litter, socialising our puppies as well helping to raise puppy Willow and the others who followed. Astra has incredibly strong maternal instincts and seeing her with her own babies- that will be a truly special feeling. I can imagine the love and joy she will have, having her own babies whom she carried. Her temperament has shone and the majority of people who visited have asked if they could have Astra or one of her babies. Astra's 2 favourite things in this world are people and puppies (after her favourite person-me!). I have probably mentioned Astra's special ability to make people fall in love with her on my blog posts and on her profile and honestly she is magical. My worry is that Astra may have a large litter and these will be bigger puppies than my Pomsky puppies. The worry- how can I safely transport them all out of the home for socialisation! After a few days of panic, I have found a large stroller, warned every family member that I may need them to have a puppy sling and to carry a puppy for every outdoor socialisation trip. I will also have to use my tall metal playpen panels rather my plastic ones. They will have to fully use the living room because they need more space per puppy. And of course, what if the same happens or something similar as to what happened with Willow.. and they may be reabsorbed! I worry myself a lot and I wish I could stop those thoughts. No matter what happens, I vow Astra will come first and then I will do everything right by her puppies. No matter their size, I will socialise them and get them out seeing the world before they leave my home and I will find them the best homes that match them as individuals. 

I hope to feel excited and less scared when Astra passes the 35 days mark. I can monitor them via my own ultrasound scanner and I can feed Astra the best quality, organic raw food- Naturaw. She knows she has me by her side and we have a beautiful relationship. I will be ready and be there for her physically and mentally. I talk to her daily about the future and what will happen. I know she has no idea what I am saying but she hears my tone of voice, she enjoys the gentle strokes on her forehead and she can feel that bond. 

I hope my next blog post will be more positive and I will leave it for now. I used the time I had available to write this and get my thoughts down. Tomorrow, we will take Willow's last 3 babies to a garden centre and a cafe trip to provide them with new experiences. Their future families have no idea how much I value having them for longer. I love these puppies more than I can possibly say and I don't want to say goodbye to them. But I know they have the best families lined up and they have amazing futures ahead. I will feel lost without these incredible little babies but when they go, I can fully prepare the house and myself for Astra's babies. I will have 3 to 4 weeks to declutter and deep clean the house and to buy any extra things that I need to buy. I will do it and I hope to relax with Astra and Drake's special babies in 4 to 5 weeks time. 

If you read this and have dogs, hug them and give them a big kiss (if they are comfortable with it). They mean so much to us and if only they could live forever...

~ Claire 🐾